a new beginning
by shy one
Summary: just after 'a thousand cranes'...
1. the start of something

Disclaimer: much as I would like to own a particular doctor I don't, or any of the other characters for that matter! Although if anyone wants to buy them for me (hint hint it IS my birthday in a few weeks.lol)  
  
Part I - The start of something  
  
At first it had worked, we were there for each other, there was.chemistry. We loved each other, I think. But when it came down to it, we were both too scared of commitment. Uncertainty. And this fear, this uncertainty led to secrecy. That's when things started to go downhill. But he'd been about to propose. She'd ruined it then, she knew. A wakeup call to remind her of the fragility of the relationship. She'd wanted it then, or at least she thought she had. Finally she realised what he meant to her. 'We're changing, growing,' didn't she think so? No, 'people never really change.' But that was wrong, she didn't believe it now. She needed to change, to make things work. The routines, the smoking, the drinking, they had to end. And he hadn't believed her. He thought it was a hoax, a scheme to make him change his mind. But she'd meant it, she really had. One morning she did wake up and decide she wasn't going to be life's dumping ground anymore. And she'd do it alone. Screw Carter! Constantly trying to force her into doing what she wasn't ready for. Trying to fix her. She wasn't broken. She wanted encouragement, not help. If she had help it would mean she hadn't done it on her own. And she had to do it alone.  
  
'Hey, Abby, are you ok?' That shocked her. She hadn't even heard him come in.  
  
'Yeah.'  
  
'You don't look it. What's wrong Abby?' His voice full of concern.  
  
'No, it's nothing.'  
  
'Look, my shift's nearly over, let's go to Doc's and get something to eat.' He knew she would talk when she wanted to. No point in pushing the issue now.  
  
'Yeah, ok, I'm done in five minutes. Meet back here then.'  
  
'Good. I've got to go now I've got a patient in three waiting.' And he went. Just when she wanted to talk, talk about everything; her problems, and there were a lot of them.  
  
'Abby!' Someone else was calling her now. 'We've got a trauma coming in, I need you're help.'  
  
'I'm off in five minutes, can you get someone else. I'm meeting someone, it's important.' The tone of her voice showed clearly that she wasn't ready to take this trauma. Strange though, he'd said exactly the same thing.  
  
'Sure I'll get Chuny; you'll have to cover the foot lac. in three though, and a couple of her other patients. Is that ok?'  
  
'Yeah, that's fine. Thanks Susan.'  
  
As she sat there across the table from him he suddenly realised how small she was. She looked weak and miserable. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her that it would be ok. To tell her that no matter what the problem was it would get better, that he could help her. But he couldn't do that.  
  
'What is it Abby? What's the matter?' That was all he could do. he could talk to her but no more. But talking helped, he knew that of course.  
  
'Nothing, Luka, don't worry about it.'  
  
'It's not nothing Abby, I can see you don't look alright. Talk to me Abby, come on.'  
  
'I broke up with Carter.'  
  
'Oh Abby I'm sorry.' Hardly able to hold the note of excitement out of his voice. But he had to. She was upset and that was far more important now. 'Why?'  
  
'It wasn't working in the end, the relationship, I mean.' It was true. There were other reasons as well, but he didn't need to know about them, not yet anyway.  
  
'Are you ok with it then? I mean, it was amicable, what you both wanted?'  
  
'Yeah, I guess, so what do you want to eat?' She tried not to look at him. If she did, she knew she'd just break down in front of him. 'I think I'll just have a coffee, I'm not all that hungry really.'  
  
'Yeah me too.'  
  
They ordered, and drank their coffees slowly, discussing trivial matters like Dr Romano's new position as chief of the ER and Kerry's promotion to chief of staff.  
  
Finally, coffee drunk, it was time to leave. But talking to Luka was so comforting, so reassuring she didn't want to leave. 'Hey, you want to go for a walk along the water?'  
  
'Sure, I haven't got anything better to do.' He would have suggested it himself except he'd been worried she'd refuse.  
  
'Luka, I'm going to AA again, and I'd like you to be my sponsor. That is, if you want to.' Luka would be the best sponsor, despite the fact that she was supposed to have a female sponsor, but never mind that.  
  
'Are you sure that's what you want? Wouldn't Carter be.?' His words trailed off then, mid-sentence.  
  
'No, we're over, Luka, don't worry.' She looked at him and smiled then, the first time today that he'd seen. He almost took hold of her hand, but thought better of it. 


	2. dont it always seem to go?

Please, please review this, its my first ER fiction and I want to know what you think.even if it is critical  
  
Chapter 2  
  
'Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got 'til it's gone?'  
  
Yeah, that's about right, she'd been everything to him at first but that original fire had turned to mere sparks. Little more than before the monkey pox epidemic, when he loved her but didn't know how she felt. Then he'd realised how much she'd meant to him, how their relationship had broken down into almost nothing, fire to ashes, the remnants of the best relationship he'd ever had, ever been truly happy in. He thought that proposing would help fix that, help to rekindle the flame or whatever. But it hadn't. As far as he could tell, after that, she was just trying to impress him, to make him change his mind over the proposal. Fair enough, if it were real! A sponsor.AND the smoking patch in a week? Yeah, right! Two bad habits couldn't be broken at once. But maybe she'd thought it would last just long enough to be married into the 'Carter Family Trust.' But surely she wasn't like that, or was she. All the women he'd dated in the past had suddenly become really interested when the found out he was related to one of the richest families in Chicago. But Abby wasn't like that; she was different from the rest. She didn't care about the money she couldn't, she just wanted someone strong to hold on to, to tell her everything was going to be alright. Well then what would it be like when she didn't need that, she wouldn't need him anymore. That's why he had changed his mind. About two things, the marriage and the trip to the Congo to volunteer for medicina international. So here he was, John Carter, sitting in first class on his way to the Congo, contemplating life, relationships and everything. 


	3. a secret

That was.unexpected. She definitely hadn't thought he'd agree. After all you had to be a former addict to become a sponsor but Luka knew the rules and being Luka, he wouldn't break them. But that would mean he was a recovering alcoholic, like her. But, not Luka, surely? How long had she known him though? Two years, maybe three? And of that hey had only been going out for almost a year at the most. Certainly not enough to know everything about a person surely he would have told her? Hardly surprising though, she hadn't mentioned her drinking so why should he have told her about his own problems?  
  
They were never really close, not in that way, never really knowing how to express themselves to each other. They had both become distracted by other things, other people. And when they had eventually broken up Abby had turned to drinking and then finally Carter whilst Luka had turned to other things knowing that the first drop of alcohol, whilst as emotionally unstable as he now was, would lead to new addiction and problems. Instead he had tried to seek therapy in other things; he had turned to smoking and paid for sex or therapy. It had affected them both equally badly.  
  
And now, it seemed like things might just start to get better. It might take some time but it might turn out alright in the end. Later once the meetings had started again she would ask him.talk to him to try and find out the reasons. But not now, not just yet.  
  
What had he been thinking?!? No one knew about his problems, he had been careful to make sure of that - careful, honest, charming Dr Kovac. No one was meant to know about the other side. The side most affected by the war, by the deaths of those who he held most dearly to him. And then he had as much as told her! Let his secret out! Now everyone would know, Abby would tell Susan and Chen or any of the other nurses and it would spread through the hospital - 'secretive, lying, cheating Luka, cowardly enough not to even let his girlfriend know about his problems even after going out for almost a year.' No. that was paranoid, she wouldn't do that to him. 'All the same,' he thought 'I better talk to her to make sure.'  
  
He knew her number by heart, never bothering to forget it after they had broken up and as he pushed the buttons on the telephone he wondered whether he was doing the right thing by talking to her, wondering whether she had already guessed. He hung up twice before finally deciding not to call. Wait Luka, see how it plays out, talk to her later, at least find out if she's already guessed by herself. Tomorrow, he'd ask her to have lunch with him tomorrow, walk by the river or something.and talk to her.  
  
Ok what do you think? Please review!! Oh and any further suggestions for what should happen next would be nice coz I always have trouble thinking of things to write!! 


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